The other day, I woke up in a bit of a funk. Something was off. My mind was in another world, my emotions were ultra-sensitive, and I wanted to be left alone. I was like a ticking time bomb of emotion, and was set off. I over-analysed, let my emotions take hold of me, and then there I was, in a full-blown argument.
Before I knew it, I was filled with anger.
My body was swirling in a sea of emotion, and I couldn't get a grip on anything. It felt like out of nowhere I was hit with a ton of bricks and calming myself down was an impossible feat. Everything was one massive struggle.
The smallest thing set me off and I projected the emotions I woke up with onto my husband, creating an argument over something completely insignificant. I tried to pull myself together, because what the hell was wrong with me?! but as soon as he walked out the door, I cried. Not just any cry, but I really, really let it all out. The full-on sobbing, gasping for air, ugly cry.
And you know what? In that moment, I didn't dive into a story over why I was upset, I didn't sit with my anger, letting it stew and grow. I didn't retrace what happened or search for answers over why I felt the way that I did. I cried for the sake of crying, because I needed to. I let it all out because I knew there was something inside of me that needed to be released.
Even when I felt like I could 'pull it together' and 'suck it up', I cried some more.
When my tears ran dry, I sat there, surrounded by tissues, with the weight lifted from my shoulders.
I felt my inner voice tug at my heart, "This is where the work begins." And I rolled out my mat for a Kundalini yoga class, specifically designed to help release inner anger and remove the inner conflicts that sap us of our vitality and sense of self. Yep, sounds about right.
Powerful breathwork, vigorous body movement, profound energy release, deep meditation...
When your body is shaking from anger or your lips are quivering from sadness, it's simply a build up of energy that needs to be released. Bottling it up, turning a blind eye, and shoving it away only creates havoc over time as it bubbles to the surface. Diving into the depths of the why and how of negative emotion by picking it apart only results in even more frustration and despair. It's best to release and let go.
Let go of the burden you've been carrying with you and let the tears stream down your face, let the words flow recklessly onto the page, move your body with intention...
In this place of vulnerability, fear rears its ugly head and it can feel like we're going to be swallowed up whole by how we're feeling. It won't. I'm not going to bullshit you and tell you it feels good, because it doesn't, but the alternative of not feeling is way, way worse. Suppressed feelings act like energy blocks that prevent you from living authentically, and accessing the true nature of who you are.
What I will tell you is this - the release, the sublime feeling in letting go of what you've been holding onto and damn-near white-knuckling, is euphoric. It's transcendent. It brings you back home to yourself.
In all honesty, for me, putting on a mask, hiding my emotions, and "toughening it out" became second-nature, and it's in the practice of breaking free of that habit that I've found true solace.
It's my hope that you received some value from this post, and if this resonated with you, I'd love for you to share your insights in the comments and let me know how this spoke to you. (And of course, feel free to share around the web using the buttons below. Thank you so, so much x)