Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Letting Go of Toxic Relationships


I’ve had my fair share of toxic relationships – both friendships and romantic relationships. Is it safe to say that you have too? Chances are we’ve all been in the company of people who were not routing for our best selves.

As for me, the most debilitating and unhealthy relationships made me feel less than myself, completely drained of self-confidence or constantly searching, trying, and struggling to “fix” anything that was seemingly broken. In the end? I felt exhausted, weak, and totally drained.

Let me set this straight: these “toxic” people aren’t necessarily textbook assholes. They’re unmotivated, uninspiring, hold limiting + fear based beliefs, drain your energy or discourage you, and simply don’t push themselves to greatness. They get into your head and weigh heavily on your heart.

When someone is impeding on your own happiness, it’s time to let them go.

It took me a long time to come to that realization, but when you do, the word liberating just doesn’t cut it. So, how can you get there?

GET REAL

You want the real, uncensored truth? Because for me, letting go of people is hard. I fight for the people I care about, I want the best for them, and I want to be that person who stuck it out for the long hard battle. Because how can you just give up on the years you’ve known each other? The time invested into that very relationship? The idea of giving up just doesn’t enter my mind.

Then one day, you wake up. You see how unhappy you are. You now see the trance of negativity that’s been placed around you. You begin to wonder which way to turn…

You can write out your feelings, you can list out the pros and cons, justify whatever it is in your mind, give them one more chance, but all it takes it one thought to change everything. For me, it was this:

“Fuck this. I want a life filled with happiness, love, and compassion. And you know what? I deserve it. It’s mine for the taking, so why am I holding myself back?”

Get what’s yours.

SKIP THE DRAMA

The most incredible, beautiful quality about people is that we’re full of good intentions, and overflowing with love for the taking. Each and every day, I see this more and more, and it never ceases to amaze me. It’s the kind of stuff that fills my spirit with hope, continues to motivate me, and pushes me to expand… so I can give back ten-fold.

Know that I’m not saying abandon people when they’re in need just because they don’t fit your bill of a happy lifestyle. What I am saying is their happiness is not your responsibility, and when it all becomes “enough is enough”, it’s time to get beyond them, and let them walk their own path.

Everyone is on their own path in life, and simply put, the two of you are just on different vibrations. The drama they’re bringing to the table isn’t providing any real value in yours. And that’s where it’s at, the creme de la creme – meaningful value.

REDIRECT YOUR ENERGY

Get crystal clear on your desires and focus towards envisioning and creating positive, meaningful value in your life.

Surround yourself with people who light you up, and encourage you to chase after your dreams.

Believe that anything is possible – because it is.

Shift your perspective and create miracles.

Remind yourself of your purpose. Focus on making those chosen goals a reality.

Get outside, face the sun, and feel the warmth on your face. Invite more fun into your world.

Do more of what makes you happy.

Never, ever stop dreaming.

Drop me a line in the comments, sweet one! Have you ever had to let go of someone in your life? Was it easy? Hard? Have any extra advice to dish out? I always love hearing from you!

An extra note: If you feel stuck in your current relationship, and are feeling a lack of support, please reach out to me, I am always here to listen and be there for you. Also - if you are in a physically abusive relationship, please seek out and get help now xx

15 comments:

  1. I long ago first heard something about people being in your life for seasons, and it reality-checked me into realizing that the people who are the most important to me now may not always be the most important to me. I have written on a sticky note a reminder to myself that "I like to leave people better than I found them," kind of like the way I was always told to leave a campsite cleaner than I found it. Many times, that has been the key to letting go of toxic relationships I would otherwise cling to. If they are better than they were when they entered my life, it's okay to let them go. If they aren't, I'd better do what I can to make their life better so I can get out of it. (I'm kind of a "fixer" by nature.)

    I'm curious: what's your take on toxic relationships when avoiding the person is not an option? i.e. the office gossip

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    1. That's such an interesting take on it! I'm definitely a "fixer" by nature too, but to a point where it sometimes becomes a fault... where I put out so much energy trying to "fix" what I can - solve people's problems, mend relationships, make good - but then in the end, I've poured everything I could into it, and am just left feeling depleted. (Not worth it!)

      When you can't avoid the person, I think you can definitely avoid the situation. Don't allow yourself (and your ego) to become wrapped up in gossip, stories, and drama. These are the things that have no real value to you. Obviously every situation is different, and if the attacks are coming at you, then it can't simply be ignored... but overall office gossip? I personally think you have a choice in becoming involved, and not perpetuating the gossip further. Awesome question!

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  2. I went through this back in January. The ending happened very abruptly, over Facebook of all places, and I suppose it was mutual. I had been feeling a bit disappointed in this person prior to the friendship "break-up," but what caused the ending sort of showed me very clearly why this person no longer fit in my life. He was rather negative, prone to wallowing, and preferred people to either wallow with him or pour on the sympathy. When he left a very nasty comment on someone's online obituary, I immediately messaged him on FB about it. I was appalled. I could not believe that a friend of mine had such anger and negativity within him. When he was upset that I was not lavishing him with sympathy, I saw that this relationship could no longer continue, nor do I care to have someone like that in my life. It was hard, yet because of how quickly it happened, it wasn't. And I have felt 100% lighter ever since. Not surprisingly, it has created room in my life for friends who are more positive-minded.

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  3. This is a great post. Thank you for always brightening my days with your honest, real, positive posts. I really look forward to them, you seem to always talk about things that are currently relating to my life. Thank you!! <3

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    1. Thank YOU for your comment! I'm absolutely THRILLED that what I've written resonates with you. Honestly, we are truly all in this together xx

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  4. I absolutely loved this post. It is something I really struggle with, and it is refreshing to read others thoughts on the subject. And, well, feel a little less guilty about it.

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  5. Unfortunately, letting go of toxic relationships becomes a lot more complicated when that toxic relationship is with your parents. The lines of letting go become very blurred, because, after all, you can't just walk away from the ones who birthed you.

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    1. While I have no real experience with this myself, my heart goes out to you. I can't begin to imagine being in this situation, and I truly hope that you find peace and resolve the situation as painlessly as possible. Sending you love xx

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    2. It is what it is, right? After not seeing each other since November 2011, my mother and I sat down for coffee last night. The perception and perspectives are still different (she doesn't see or understand my point of view of our previous troubles), but hey, maybe slowly things will turn around.

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    3. It definitely sounds like a step in the right direction, and any step is progress! Perspectives may never completely align, but I think going into it with love helps to reach a common ground and makes a world of difference.

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    4. I hear you. My husband has the same problem. An no amount of therapy can make it perfect. I find it helps him the best when he can say "my mom is sick" and think of it through that lens. Like, she won't ever act "normal" but it is still so hard for both of us. We think about moving far away so that it makes keeping in touch harder. So sad but true.

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  6. Toxic relationships.... they are the hardest when they are in your family. My husband's stuck in one with his mother and it is..... whew. Rough. She tries to depend on him like a wife... emotionally and financially and it is really, really difficult for him (and me). This is where the professionals have to step in. Because, like it was mentioned earlier, it's so hard to feel those feelings but know they are your parents. For Alex he feels it may be best to move geographically further away. Easier to break ties, you know?

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    1. I can relate to this. Although I've managed to get away from the financial dependency, the emotional dependency was a huge factor. My dad travels for work, which left my mother and I alone together through my entire childhood and adolescence. It very much began to feel as though she were depending on me like she would a spouse, binding us together in such a way that she made leaving home incredibly difficult and not without much guilt when I did.

      I've also considered geographically removing us (you're not alone!) but when that wasn't possible, simply cut ties, once and for all. No calls. No emails. No visits. I couldn't handle the mental turmoil I was put through and the strain put on my relationship with my husband, who has helped me through it ever so graciously (side note: my parents hate him and have tried many times to convince me to leave him with various reasons that were plainly not true, putting a rather nice emotional wedge in between all parties involved).

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  7. Very well-written post. It's one thing to be there with someone through both bad and good times; it's another to basically be baby-sitting them...allowing them influence your attitude/perspective on your life.

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